What I Learned About Breaking the Cycle
Sometimes I catch myself doing something with the kids and I think, wait, I used to be like that. Then I catch myself doing something else and I think, but this time is different.
That's the thing about raising kids when you didn't feel raised yourself. You're constantly making choices about what to repeat and what to change.
My dad wasn't... present. Not physically . he was in the house most of the time. But he wasn't there. He'd come home and go to the TV or the garage. I learned early on that being quiet was easier than making noise and getting ignored. Or worse . getting corrected.
I remember one time I showed him a school project, a little diorama with clay and cotton balls and whatever else we'd collected that week. I thought he was going to be proud. He looked at it for maybe three seconds and said it wasn't worth the effort I put into it. I don't think he was trying to be mean. I think he just didn't know how to respond to a kid wanting to share something.
I don't bring it up with my kids. I don't bring it up period. But I remember it. I remember what it feels like to have something you made and be told it didn't matter.
So here's what I do differently now:
My kids bring me something . a drawing, a sentence they wrote, a rock they found that they think is beautiful . and I make time for it. Even when I'm busy. Even when I'm tired. Even when I could use those ten minutes for myself.
Because I learned that ten minutes matters more than I thought.
What other moms say helps me (and I want to tell you this if you're struggling with it):
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You can't fix your childhood, but you can stop it with your kids. This sounds cliché but it's true. It's not about being perfect. It's about noticing when you're about to do what your parents did, and choosing something else. Even if it's just one choice that day.
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Your kids need you to be present, not perfect. I used to think being a good mom meant having it all together, having the schedule figured out, having the answer for every question. Then I realized my kids just wanted me there. Not perfect Mary from the blog. Just me. Present.
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It's okay to feel frustrated. Some days I come home from homeschooling and I feel like I'm drowning. I want my mom friends to tell me they feel that way too, because then I know I'm not the only one who thinks parenting sometimes feels like an endless game of whack-a-mole. (We are.)
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Your kids will notice when you notice them. I read somewhere that the difference between feeling loved and feeling seen is in the detail. My kids know when I'm actually listening versus when I'm just... there. And they know it. (My five-year-old told me last week that I was being "more present" after he noticed I put my phone down during our conversation. That was... a lot.)
The thing I don't always tell people:
Okay, I'm going to try to say this without making it sound all therapeutic because... I'm not a therapist. I'm a mom with three kids and a computer covered in crayon marks and I'm trying to figure out my life like everyone else.
But there's this thing I notice about myself sometimes. I'll be doing something with the kids or writing something for the site and I'll get this feeling where I want someone to tell me I'm doing it right. Like, I'm doing it right. Not "you're great" or whatever, but "this is what you should be doing and you're doing it."
I don't know if that's normal. I mean, I'm guessing it is? But I don't like admitting that I feel that way. It sounds needy.
My husband... he notices these things. He'll say something like "you're really good at this" or "the kids are so happy you're doing this" and I feel this thing in my chest. Like I want more of it. I don't know what more. I just want it. I don't know how to say that without it sounding like... like I'm not okay.
I think I never got that as a kid. Not from my dad. Not from anyone, really. And I don't know if that means I'm broken or just... different. Or if other moms feel this way too but just don't say it.
Sometimes when I'm writing these posts or helping other moms figure things out, I catch myself thinking: are they seeing me? Like, are they really noticing that I'm trying? Or am I just pretending?
I don't know. I think about what my kids are going to remember. I think they're going to remember if I was there. I hope they're going to remember if I tried.
If you're reading this and you feel that thing too . that want to be seen, the want to know you're doing it right . I think you're already doing it. You're already showing up. You're already trying.
That's what matters. Not the perfect schedule. Not the right books. Just showing up.
That's all I've got.
Written at 2am after the kids are finally asleep. This post was written on my laptop while drinking coffee I made three hours ago.